Sunday, June 19, 2011

Lesson Learnt! Where do I find Happiness?

I haven't been happy for the last couple of weeks. I have had a smile on my face but I have not been happy. I had convinced myself that I would be much happier if my husband paid himself more money (self-employed) so that I would not have to work as much. I was so convinced that this would truly change everything and I would instantly be happier.
It was today, at church that I realised, that my happiness starts and ends with me. Its up to me to work out why I do the things I do and what I can make of it and what I can in turn learn. I work 3 days a week and I am a mum to 4 kids and I am a wife. That is a heck of a lot to take on, plus I love to blog. I put a lot of my spare time into my blogs because I really enjoy it. So,yeah, I have a lot on my plate, but I have chosen to do all these things, so how do I make the most of all them and not get too swamped and start feeling sorry for myself and falling back on the grumpy train. So here is what I figured.

I went back to work because my husband is self-employed. A couple of years ago things were tight and because I am a school teacher, I knew I would be able to get work fairly easily and the extra income would come in handy. I had a 9month old at the time. With the other kids they were at least 18months before I considered working again, so I was feeling a little gulity about him being so young, but desperate times call for desperate measures and I was blessed last year to find the school I currently work for. I teach children with special needs and I so love what I do. Its not only rewarding, it makes me happy and I work with amazingly awesome and inspiring people.  I was blessed again to get 3 days of work this year, which for me being a casual and having a commited 3 days a week for the next years is amazing! These are the things I  remind myself when I am feeling like I don't want to work anymore. Don't get me wrong, we all feel like that sometimes (or a lot!!) which is life but I have to remind myself what I do and why I do it. I also thinkg about how much pressure my husband must be feeling when it comes to providing for a family. Regardless of recent trends, as old fashion and traditional as it might sound, the common belief is that husband goes to work to provide for the family, while mum stays home and takes care of the kids and tries not to go insane!! Its what happens in a lot of families and history tells us, that generally speaking women cope better with having the role as the homemaker. So, the pressure is on the dad to go out and earn an income large enough to cover this lifestyle of a single income to support everyone. I know its my husband's wish to not have me work and spend all my time with the kids and taking care of the home(and clean....he wishes!!!) but right now this is our life and this is what we have to work around. We both work to pay the bills, we share the load. I am in the process of accepting this and I would hope that once I completely accept it and stop complaining about it, then I will find I may not have to work anymore, then I will miss it!! Well, its a hope and I am allowed to hope!! I am HAPPY to be able to share that responsiblitiy, and help my husband and in turn he hopefully won't have to feel too overwhelmed and not be happy himself.  I am HAPPY that I go to a work where everyone gets along and has fun with what we do. I am HAPPY that I do have 2 days off that I can spend with my youngest son and drop my kids off to school and pick them up and have that time with them. I really want to see these things in a different perspective so that I don't complain about it being a chore, but rather a priviledge and being HAPPY to do it.

** I just realised, that if I replace the word HAPPY with GRATEFUL, it makes sense but has a different meaning/feel to what you read***
Anyway, I just wanted to share this because I think its signnificant. Its so easy to think about all the negative things in life that can upset us and make us feel either inadequate or like we missing out on something.  We need to be reminding ourselves of what we have and why we have it.I worked this out at church and that's another thing I am truly grateful for. To be able to go to church, take my children and be part of something amazing. Church always makes me happy, even when I feel like not going, I make myself go and feel better once I am there. I also believe that a quest for happiness starts and ends with God. I truly believe that. Belief gives you a purpose, especially in yourself.

So these are my ramblings for the day. I hope I make sense:)

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